Revenge; digging two graves

Resentment is blinding. We are so bitter sometimes that it be-clouds our sense of reasoning, and that of judgment too.

I had been used before, or so I thought, and for someone with my usual exceptional foresight I almost hated myself for having not seen this in advance. I was manipulated into satisfying her insatiable sexual urges, while thinking I was in charge and was ridiculed much after.


With my laptop’s webcam already recording, I set out to work. To funmi I had long since forgotten “our slight misunderstanding”, like she always termed it, that was why she wasn’t in the least bit skeptical about hanging out with me on this Friday night, with an ending she couldn’t foresee, on my bed, in her birthday suit waiting/begging for me, while fondling her sensitive spots for starters.

A lot of time and planning had been put into making this Friday a reality, but I was the only one who knew that fact. To my unsuspecting prey, it would be as spontaneous as banging your extremely sexy English teacher, one you never knew had the hots for you to start with, leaving her making incomplete sentences as you drive her closer to climaxing after school on a Monday; the most serious day of the week.

I had bought all the necessary pills. Since I was making a video proof, I wanted to prove that I was not the 1min man she portrayed me to be; Viagra was at the top of my list. The German spanish fly followed next on my shopping list and I was going to exceed well above the prescribed two or 3 drops and keep going till I was satisfied. I wanted to make sure I had her eating out of the palm of my hands and begging me to screw her senseless, without any regard.

I also got the spray. Yes, it comes in sprays too and some clubs and parties have been known to use it sometimes, off the record. Like I was saying, just in case I hit a rough parch, that is if I couldn’t slip some drops into her drink while at the club, I would sure as hell spray it all over my car in an attempt to go drop her off at home; a futile attempt.

I’m king at mind games and this time around I was on guard. Knowingly unknowing to me, she had changed me forever. To me now, trusting a girl was relative; you get, Distant. Even while you’re in charge, they still have a way of being on top, fulfilling their desires while you think your cunningly living your own dreams.

I picked her up at 9pm. Since it was too early to think of clubbing just yet, we decided to see a movie at the Silverbird cinema in central area Abuja. As it was a spontaneous move, we chose a movie on the spot and ended up seeing ‘think like a man’ that had just started showing. A little over 2hours goes by, its 11:40pm, and we’re strolling out of the theatre. I walked a little faster so I could make it to the car a couple of seconds before she did. Once inside, I reached immediately for the Spanish fly in my glove compartment and had only managed to squeeze out two puffs before I heard her approaching. I wasn’t big on clubbing and had never been one to look forward to it; it could be attributed to my inability to dance without looking like I was intentionally trying to ridicule myself, so I would be glad if this overtly praised drug took effect right away, automatically making my destination home bound. But it didn’t; apparently I hadn’t gotten enough of it into the air in the car, before she promptly requested the AC which must have filtered out what was left of it.

Sticking to plan A, I headed out towards Cubana somewhere in the vast expanse of the beautifully landscaped streets of Wuse II. I had me a martin on-the-rocks for starters, while she was predictable and went for smirnoff ice though promising to up her alcohol game as the night progressed. I obviously hadn’t done my full research and I didn’t know how the contents of the small bottle in my jeans would mix with the whitish color of her drink; so I waited, I would make my move after I took her up on the offer of taking something with a stronger alcoholic and darker content, much later. In the mean time we danced, or at least she did while I just tried to move along with the rhythm as nonchalantly as these rich pot-bellied men do.

In about half an hour, we were sharing a bottle of red label with a bucket of ice and business was good; promising. She had begun to loosen up already, and we were talking intently. She was telling me how wonderful a friend she thought I was, and that she was glad we still found time out to be friends despite all our past differences. Her countenance towards me had slowly transcended from friendly to mushy in the course of our slightly inebriated conversation and I was beginning to think I could score naturally without the help of scientific manipulation. I was one to be thorough, I wasn’t going to base the progress of today’s mission on chance, so I went ahead and made my move, just as she obliged a handsome guy she had been eyeing that asked her to dance.

One! Two! Three, Four drops!
I still wasn’t satisfied, I wanted to make sure so I put the 5th and 6th drops and smiling to myself, I screwed the eye drop-like bottle shut.

I was counting, cos I wanted to comment on a forum about the wonder drug I had joined on the internet. It took all of 6 minutes before I started to see the signs, at least the most visible of them. She kissed me fully on the lips and went the whole 9yards with her tongue, then leaning against me her elbow brushed against my hard manliness and that was it; she suggested we went back to my place at once.

Back in my room she’s sprawled out on the bed and keeping busy all by herself, my webcam’s still recording while she’s telling me sweet sensuous nothings to get me to attend to her much faster, cos now I was the one taking my time; savoring her every desperate sexual plea as she fingered herself vigorously.


The video I uploaded on youtube went viral. We were crowned unofficial king and queen of Nigerian pornosphere and friends and family alike had come across the sex tape. Since I had been well identified in it, the tape was somehow tagged to my name and surname hence potential 21st Century recruiters with the basic knowledge of google could also see it too if/when they did a background check.

In the ensuing months, I lost jobs offers from PriceWaterHouse&Cooper and Akintola Williams Deloitte, two cats I thought I already had in the bag with my impressive resumé and wealth of experience. I lost quite some followers on twitter but gained a lot too, u know what they say “no publicity is bad publicity” so they followed me in droves.

Many wanted to know what it was like being famous over a sex tape, while most just wanted to know why I made it but I couldn’t tell them it was because she is a nympho and after we had sex the very first time, she went ahead to burn my cable with other potential lays by calling me a 1min man and I thought this was the best way to revenge. I couldn’t give none of these excuses, in fact no reasonable excuse would suffice.

She still hates me till tomorrow, and I’m certain I caused her most of her life’s sorrows ….


My Dear Valentine

I know we’ve been in love a long time
and since I’m certain you’re not a dime a dozen
you’ve earned your bragging and even nagging rights
So if ever I wrong you
don’t say its fine; make me pay a fine
intensify your emotional torture
do not nurture minutiae bitterness towards me
let me know when and how I crossed that line
So there’s no repeat in the future

I know i’m not perfect
but show me a man you know exists without flaws
and there you have a man that can walk without floors

in my mind’s eye all I see are the fun times
with memories of love sublime
(sublime: supreme, outstanding, complete, absolute)
And support on which I can rely
I’ve long since come to realize
that our downsides never last long
with nothing much about their make up
just like those little red thongs

flatter me with status updates
Bbm, Facebook, Instagram; the lot
mention me as many times as you like on twitter
leaving some our followers jealous and bitter
let my email updates pile up and litter
make me the attention of seemingly one sided convos
tell me those sweet nothings
just as you feel it. No forming(s)
don’t be hesitant to blow my mind
I can deal with it; I don’t mind

Is all this too much to ask for?

even as I stared with starry expectant eyes
visibly perturbed; obviously disturbed
not one firecracker did you light
my feelings for you are cast; dyed-in-the-wool
so I’m not letting this hope die
your feelings for me have never been misconstrued
that you were busy with work, I know that’s true
I don’t doubt you, was just trying to rhyme
and hope I didn’t loose my rhythm?

You probably have a grand scheme
Something to that make me beam
I’m waiting

If you dare call my incessant clamoring childish
I’d tell you that its one of the Valentine’s day festish
today even the strict have shown some sort of affection
to, with or about their partners
what’s love all about
If it still can’t give you bouts of puppy love?

don’t cook up anything
on my account as an afterthought
I’d hate to feel like
I coerced you into doing so.
you’re really stubborn and all
which I can easily deduce
from your several hours of playing mute
I’m going to be patient
I would sulk and be stubborn too
but I know it will be futile cos
I’m headstrong in love with you
even though you don’t see it all the time

Its never too late
to put that smile on your face
my thoughts are laced constantly
with new ways to make you happy incessantly
make your beauty shine brighter
And make our bond tighter

Love you loads still,

Why I want to spend the ROML with Meka!

I know I can spend the rest of my life with you because of the person you are and the way that u love me. It brings butterflies to my stomach, and am beginning to think i’m never getting used to it (not that I want to). I’ve never known anyone who makes me feel the way you do.
I know that we would work through anything regardless of what situation we are in. I also know that we would make each other happy and spoil the hell out of one another(Lol). I know that when I get old and my hair turns grey, and I become frail you would (will) still love me the same and call me beautiful.

I am certain that we can and (should) could build a family together, and keep it together. I know that you RESPECT me and I respect you too and that no matter what happens, you will always be there to support me and be willing to work anything out. I know that no matter what people say about you, I would still love you the same. You truly do complete me and I cant picture my life without you.
I’ve never had it so easy, being so completely open with anybody as I have with you — and despite all of the awful things I say to you when I get mad, you don’t love me any less or look at me differently.

You could have had anyone you wanted bur you picked me 🙂 😀
I know we’ll stay together because you are such a positive and brilliant person, and have so much to accomplish. I also know you will be one of the most successful men in the world someday because no one is more deserving of success than you boo!
I can’t speak of the years to come but just for today, I know I’d rather finish off the day with you 🙂

Saying how I know I can spend the rest of my life with you is not something easily said. Yes, i do want to spend the rest of my life with you no doubt about that, but its so hard to put my most sincere thoughts into words. I think all i can say, is how i feel from the bottom to the top of my heart. Take life one day at a time, you never know what tomorrow will bring…communication, love and trust holds us together.

Love.. 🙂


Want to read my rejoinder to this?
I have got to literally taste the ginger from my comments notifications. & Yes, you can be sure the wordsmith wouldn’t let you down.

#PlayingDescribe – the not sizzling Sizzlers

I came in for my regular snack
hot! microwaved meat pie
or chicken pie with a cup of ice cream
this time I wasn’t financially buoyant
& I hoped to use their P.O.S machine
which is usually working
but wasn’t today
cutting to the chase
but not in a haste
I could only get their meat pie
and a bottle of coke
& yh I still went ahead and asked for it to be heated

with all enthusiasm
and extra caution cause it was hot
my morale fell at the first bite
nothing felt right
it would have been easier to correct
if it was with ice cream
cos the intertwining of two or 3 flavors
pref. vanilla malaga & their subtle chocolate
would have been suitable enough band aid
to patch things up
what did I have too loose
I resorted to lying to myself
a skill I had long perfected
& it had since become child’s play
while I ate. I savored every hot bite & cold sip
right through till I was through
and when I was done the realization hit me
that I had forgotten to get toothpick(s)
another habit of mine
you’d probably loose in a bet
against the chances that I’d most likely
be with one at all times

you outwardly perfect eatery
with brightly colored finishing
I wasn’t impressed. the meat pie sucked
It was more of tasteless flour and pepper
in the end I’d always overlook
the two 24 inch plasma TVs
keeping me updated with spanking new music videos
at both ends of your well air conditioned
rather large eating space
the 4-in-1 orange and yellow tables and chairs
beautiful arranged and scattered evenly around
can’t do more than give me comfort
I know its a franchise but can’t frank count on
being treated nice everywhere and always?

even as a kid I looked forward to pie treats
it wasn’t necessarily relevant If where daddy took me to
had miniature plastic playpens and chandeliers
things like ice cream and how long the dream lasted
mattered more
right there above
how stuffed my pie was
and how nice the stuffing tasted
I hadn’t discovered the heat thing so it didn’t matter
all I’m saying is get your shit together
and I mean literally though not feces
I’d expect to get my money’s worth
every time I spend it

on the other hand
the orange & green checkered counter
is nice business acumen on your part
cos it’s inviting and if I had more money
i’d be compelled to always go back to buy something
the high hanging electric pest killers
shows that your at least thinking in the right direction
and the steady aroma of well spiced fried and roasted chicken
is totally endearing and
sometimes I dream of your vegetable rice
with shrimps runner beans and green peas
plus 1 portion of your N300-a-portion shredded beef sauce
i’ve even got pictures of it too
I also can’t forget the 2-in-1 sockets
I sure can’t count how many times she has helped me
juice up my blackberry since I moved to warri
your staff is very polite too
they never frown if I overstay;
I think I have now. I’m out.